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1:39 p.m. - 2009-06-29
effff
I can't fucking figure Wilson out. He was at the beach for a week with the church. Before that, he was with me Weds, Thurs, Fri, and Sun. The only day he could have seen that girlfriend of his was on Saturday, and I don't think he did. Then he texts me as soon as he gets close to the church and I'm there when he's at the church. Then we're together all day yesterday. WTF??? I'm thinking ok, I might be winning. But then Joyce mentions inviting Megan to their 4th of July party so there's no way in hell I'd be going, and he keeps texting her while we're hanging out. So what's going on? He's seen me way more than her. aidghakldfghadfklgdafklnvadfklghdfigydfigdfakhgdaf
WHAT THE HELL DOES HE WANT FROM ME??????
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10:41 p.m. - 2009-06-09
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I'm actually feeling a slight twinge about not going back to South Carolina. I was browsing through some of the girls Facebooks that I used to live with and even though I hated being there and was literally counting down the days until I could leave, they did become a part of my life and I guess that I became so used to them being there that it's going to be weird not going back to that. Even David, who was a royal SOB, was a character and he was always there. Even Melissa, with all of her David drama and the way she treated me like dirt half the time. And it makes me regret the way I lived my life there for the last semester because I feel like I could have done things differently. I think if I'd tried a little harder and not have been so depressed over Tim then I think I could have still been friends with them. But I guess the main thing I've learned since December is that it's absolutely terrible to think about the past. So all I can do is look forward to Asheville.
And I really can't wait.
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10:24 p.m. - 2009-05-03
Depression
My life is a train wreck. An utter train wreck.
First, Alex finally has the balls to respond to my message on Facebook. He's lucky he's in Iraq otherwise I'd kill him. His response: it's not like that at all. Please don't think low of me...I have never hurt you before and I wouldn't ever try to do it either.
In what alternate universe does he live in that that statement makes any sense? There is NO way it's ok that he slept with me when he has a girlfriend. And I almost fell for it...I did fall for it very briefly. Thank God I always had that little doubt in the back of my mind. I don't know WHY I didn't see this coming...I know him better than this! I didn't even really know what to say...because there's no way that could ever be ok in any universe. I really think in his head he thinks I'm hopelessly in love with him and I always have been so I'll forgive him for this and realize he 'really cares about me' or some crazy shit...
I just told him: I don't know what to think. I'm not mad. I'm not even surprised. I just feel bad for her.
Then Wilson....god I screwed up with him more than anybody. He never deserved anything I did to him, and even after I did those things he stuck with me. He's still sticking with me, but I think I've lost him.
I haven't talked to him as much lately because I don't want to break him and Megan up. I really don't. Six months ago that was me and I know how much it sucks and everyday I think about Tim and how awful I treated him and I regret it a million times everyday.
They boy texted me 'I love you...so much' on Friday. And I knew he didn't mean to send it to me. But I asked him. And he wouldn't answer. Today was great...I still felt a little awkward at first but it got better. I mean, he helped the women clean up the kitchen after the lunch at church. He helped his parents prepare snack supper instead of playing football with everyone else. Hello? What other guy does stuff like that? Good guy? I think so.
But I was still feeling pretty ok, so I asked him again. And he responded, "Honestly, no. You're one of my best friends and I have so much fun when we're together but you've hurt me so much.' i told him i was sorry and he said, 'no, I'm sorry. I do love you, its just...I'm afraid of loving you and I care about Megan'.
It was like taking a bullet.
I finally lost both of them. My inability to decide between Tim and Wilson has finally cost me both of them. I'm not even mad because I know it's my fault. I hurt both of them so bad and it kills me. I think about it all the time and it's like a physical pain. And being home for the summer is like living a memory of what life used to be like.
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11:09 p.m. - 2009-04-28
Womanizer womanize, you're a womanizer babe
Alex had a fucking girlfriend. I think I give up on men. I become asexual. It's just not worth it. I became 'that girl'. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!
I thought he did when he got on FB and never changed his status from 'in a relationship' to 'single'. I mean, his explanation was perfectly reasonable: being in the army he couldnt get online and change it, and I knew he had had a breakup with that chick he'd been engaged to.
Then this other chick starts leaving him comments. I didn't notice too much at first cuz he's always been cocky and has a TON of girl friends. But she was calling him 'sweetheart' and shit like that. Then after he leaves this one pops up 'sweetheart i miss you already come back safe to me...i love you'
GIRLFRIEND?? I think so. But I still had my doubts because I stuck up for him for so long. I asked his sister but she hasnt responded yet. Then another comment today 'I love you'
...
Well that sure as hell confirmed it.
Dear God. I'm 'that girl'. I'm really not even angry. Well i mean yeah i am because I've stuck up for him since I was 14 and I thought you know maybe...he's 20 now and he's in the army...maybe he's matured a bit...
Nope.
So I'm angry that I've been sticking up for him when he really is an ass. So much for the 'first love reunited' thing.
I'm not angry that he used me to cheat on his girlfriend. I'm really not. I didn't want to date him. I just feel bad for her. If he'll do it with me, he'll do it again.
Did I mention she's a year younger than me? So not only is she in high school, but she's younger than me, and he's almost 2 years older than me
KHFDSKGHDFKJGHDFOIGUDRK
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10:10 p.m. - 2009-04-15
FUCK HIM
Tim has contacted me 3 times in the past 4 days. I finally force myself to move on and am finally starting to be ok with life, then he decides he wants to be in mine. First, he completely cuts me out. Then once we make up, he avoids me. Now that I'm quiet he decides to be palsy.
He tells me that he just finished his senior exit product and i was the first person he thought of so he wanted to talk to me. and he told he his dad had knee surgery. and we talked about school. and he asked how i was. and we talked. and talked.
I HATE HIM. I finally decide on what I want and he decides to pop back into my life. Now I don't know. Actually, I do know. I want him back. I always have. I finally forced myself to not care and I focused my feelings on Wilson. Those feelings are real. They always have been. But talking to Wilson about romance is like talking to a brick wall. And there's never been the passion that there was between Tim. I want him back. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
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10:57 p.m. - 2009-04-13
He's gone...
Alex is gone. He went to Fort Bragg to be deployed to Iraq today. I'm in shock. I mean, I never trusted the kid and I never wanted to be in a relationship with him. He never did anything to make me feel uncomfortable and he never got angry with me, but there were times I just didn't know. I know the kind of person he used to be, he played me even though we were never together and I was only a freshman in high school. I'd like to think the army has changed him, but he wasn't in my life long enough for me to be able to tell. I think he was using me for sex the same way I was using him. But he's been a part of my life, no matter how indirect at times, since I was 8. He was my first true love when I was 14, and he was my first kiss. He was also my lover for the week before he left. I saw Melissa last night before I left to go back to school, and she told me the ugly side of his breakup with his 'fiance'. And I told her I didn't care if I saw him again, I guess maybe because I wanted it to be true, but I do care. He's a medic, so I'm guessing and hoping that doesn't put him in immediate danger like if he was just a foot soldier, but you never know. And he'll be there for ten months.
I wish I'd known him better. And he left on my 19th birthday to boot. I still have the last message from him. I asked if he'd left for the fort yet, and he told me he had. Then I told him to come back safe. And he said 'I will, I promise.' And that's the last I heard from him.
And Wilson texted me at 6:30 'Happy Birthday!' which made me think everything was ok with us, then i accidentally called him because he's on my speed dial and texted him apoligizing and he never said anything back, so now I don't know. And I won't see him this weekend. Happy Birthday to me.
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12:01 a.m. - 2009-04-13
Holidays are not for everybody
I now dread holidays. Something bad always happens.
Halloween: I ended up going to a party I didn't want to go to, and Ryan was a creeper and I couldn't get a ride home so I walked two miles in the dark at midnight barefoot by myself. Not safe. Or fun.
Thanksgiving: I had mono
Christmas: Tim and I had just broken up and I was suicidal.
V-Day: Not too bad. Had an 8 hour rehearsal though then went to a Jew Frat Party and got drunk and hooked up with Brett.
St. Pattys Day: Stuck in Cola. Need I say more?
Easter: Dad's best friend dies.
Plus, I can't figure Wilson out. Friday's service and today felt really awkward, and idk why. Like, he waited for me twice today at church, but he didn't say bye to me. i asked him if he was ok and he said he was just tired, but idk. On wednesday he found out I'm not a virgin and I think that's thrown him. He must have guessed though. I mean really. He was really distant and it makes me sad because I was really looking forward to this weekend and I won't see him next weekend cuz he'll be in NYC so it's going to be 2 weeks until I see him. grr
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9:03 p.m. - 2009-04-08
Is it May 1st yet?
So my worrying was a false alarm. I knew it most likely was. He texted me around noon today and we texted for about an hour, now we're currently talking on Facebook. It's another one of those witty back-and-forths that I really have no idea what we're talking about but I absolutely refuse to look like an idiot and we're both too stubborn to admit we're wrong so we keep on going. So everything is normal.
Except the dreaded NYC pictures finally made it to Facebook, and I'm such a glutton for punishment I looked at them. AND THERE ARE PICTURES OF TIM WITH FUCKING TAYLOR ROGERS IN THE EXACT SAME SPOTS TIM AND I TOOK PICTURES WHEN WE WERE THERE TWO YEARS AGO! Seriously, what did I do in a past life to deserve such cruelty?
Now he CANNOT get mad at me for hanging out with Wilson. HOW MANY TIMES did I accuse him of the exact same shit with her that he accused me of with Wilson? And how many times did he deny it? I want to just FLY AT HIM AND BEAT HIS STUPID HEAD IN FOR EVERYTHING HE PUT ME THROUGH OVER WILSON WHEN HE TURNED AROUND AND DID THE EXACT DAMNED THING WITH HER!
And the awful part is, I still miss him. But that is sooooo over. I'm really not even sad about it anymore. Just angry. Very angry. Fuck them both.
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9:51 p.m. - 2009-04-07
No change...
I haven't heard from him. This isn't unusual. We used to talk everyday, but I after I turned him down for the millionth time that stopped and we usually text once or twice a week, then I see him on Sundays. And nothing changed after he told me he loves me either. So the fact that I haven't heard from him since Sunday isn't that big of a deal.
But I'm making it into a huge deal.
I'm so incredibly pathetic. I'm afraid to leave my phone alone for more than a second because I'm scared I'll miss a text or a call. I guess because I brought his mom into it this time I'm a little edgy, because I remember her telling him last time to not wait on me because I'm in college now and I'll 'be trying on other guys'. Now when I talked to her on Sunday she was completely supportive and I believe if she thinks I'm genuine she will be. So I'm pretty sure they've talked about it. And I don't know how it went.
Ok, I'm thinking too much. Again.
Then fucking Alex Darnell calls me at midnight last night to tell me his family is going to the beach and he's going to ride his motorcycle through Columbia to see me. My mind was screaming NO NO NO but of course I said yeah come on down. I mean, he's being deployed to Iraq on Monday and even though I'm not romantically interested I still care for the guy. After Monday, none of it will matter anyways. And he shows up outside my dorm at 10 this morning. He was only here for 30 minutes but he kept pulling at me and I know what he wanted and three weeks ago I would have willingly done it, but not now.
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11:03 p.m. - 2009-04-06
Jesus! I finally had my epiphany!
Well, I told him. Probably not in the way I should have, but I told him.
To know Wilson and I is to know that we've always been in love with each other but we're both too stubborn to admit it. Our on again off again relationship dates back to when I was a sophomore in high school and he was a freshman and he reached for my hand on the way to our fall church retreat. For him, I think the feelings go all the way back to middle school. And here I am, turning 19 in less than a week and he'll be 18 not a week after that. Literally, everyone knows it. Even the older people in church see it and ask why we aren't together.
I've broken up with him twice, once after only four days and the second after two months. I've been so stupid! My inability to let Wilson go is what fucked up my relationship with Joel, my relationship with Tim, and is a big part of the reason I couldn't start one with Alex.
Watching him onstage in Oklahoma made something inside me snap. I'm still not fully over Tim, truth be told, but I've put everything I have into keeping us on speaking terms and while he's been cooperative when I try to contact him, he makes no efforts on his own. And I'm tired of waking up everyday he be the first thing I think about. I'm tired of wanting to die every day because I know I fucked the relationship up because once again, I wasn't willing to let Wilson go. And watching Wilson onstage made me realize that while I might not be over Tim, I don't care if he gets angry with me for dating Wilson. I know that if I date Wilson I can most likely kiss my friendship with Tim goodbye. Everything Tim ever accused me of will be justified and even though I never even considered leaving Tim while we were dating, he would never believe me. But I don't care anymore. I tried for three months to convince myself of that and it took me seeing Wilson with his girlfriend to finally make it sink in. I admit it, I cried when I left the show that night.
Not that him having a girlfriend means much of anything. He told me he loves me over Spring Break. I asked him if he still liked me and he practically yelled at me, "What kind of question is that? Of course I still like you! I fucking love you, and I've been putting up with this for years for you!"
And I cheated on Tim towards the end of our relationship, but nobody knows that, not even Wilson. His mom told him to not wait on me because I would be dating in college and trying to experience life and I did try and date other people. Half-heartedly But I always came back to Wilson. Always. After three years I still love him.
So I told him that I love him. Over a text. I spent the whole day Sunday with him and I really tried but I was too scared. This is the boy I've broken up with twice and turned down more times than I care to think about. I helped him and his family take down their swingset and move it to a friends yard and while Wilson was fixing a lightbulb I talked to his mom. I asked if he still liked me and she was like, "Do you really have to ask? We see you everytime you're home. He always talks about you. He's crazy about you." And she told me I needed to talk to him. I know I did. I drove him to church to go to youth while I went to get my clothes to head back to college after choir practice. And I didn't talk to him about it. I was too scared. Joyce looked at me when she got into choir and I just shook my head.
So then I was going to after choir. But he had to stay with Marty and practice something with his cello for the two services we're singing at this weekend. I lingered as long as I could before it looked ridiculous then I left. And once I got safely into South Carolina, I texted him: I love you. I meant to tell you earlier. And he replied:
You make my life so damn hard, you know that?
It was a very Wilson response. I wasn't really expecting him to say "I love you too! I'm breaking up with Megan." I've yo-yo'd him more times than I care to think about. But I don't know what he's thinking. At all. I'm scared to contact him now. I've never been scared to text him...I tried to for 8 months after I broke up with him for Tim and he refused to speak to me. But I kept going and eventually he gave in. I don't want to bug him about it, and I have to prove that I'm really serious about it. I'll see him on Friday for Tenebrae service at church.
Because what I've realized is, there's more to love than just sex. Katie Morgan told me she wants to date a guy who has had sex before and I admit I'm no virgin and the sexual appeal with Wilson is a little lacking, but there's so much more to a relationship than that. Wilson can enter a room and we'll make eye contact, and it's like there's nobody else in the room. We look for each other before we look for anybody else. He can make me smile in a way that nobody else can. We've always been there for each other to talk about anything from current boyfriends/girlfriends to school pressures to just arguing over absolutely nothing. I'm not afraid to be myself around him. We've both seen each other at our absolute worst and absolute best. And although we constantly pick at each other, we've forgiven each other for the big wrongs.
I love him, I really do. It's taken me this long to realize it and I just hope that I'm not too late.
